October, thank you

***I had started this draft in early November but chose not to publish it out of consideration for other people’s feelings.   Upon further review, I’ve decided those people’s feelings are not something I should really concern myself with given the context of the situation.***

After September, which damn near killed my soul, I basically decided that October had to be good or I’d be on the first flight out of this place.  Italy for a few years was sounding really good (eh, who are we kidding?  It still sounds really good). 

I wasn’t entirely sure that I’d be able to force myself out of the state of mind that September had put me in.  I knew I would have to if October was going to be any better, but I wasn’t sure I could. 

By mid-month, I was finally feeling like myself again, and I was comfortably enjoying the return to my regular life.  That’s right about the time I got the big fat reality check that read:  Sometimes your friends are not friends.

What a sobering realization.  

That news was exceptionally difficult for me to swallow.  It wasn’t even so much that I was great friends with the people involved, but just the general knowledge that seemingly functional adults would be so blatantly selfish and disrespectful – to anyone.  Forget that it was me.  Forget that we were friends.  Forget that I trusted and cared about these people, even after they kicked me in the face.  That they would behave that way towards anyone was something I struggled with comprehending.

It became a stopping point for me.  A moment in my life when I had to stop everything and re-evaluate what was happening, who I was spending my time with, who I was becomming as a result, and how to get back to the path I wanted to be on.  I’ve done this many times in my life, typically after some sort of major emotional event like this.  But, for some reason, this time was the hardest. . . the most draining. . . and the most revealing.

It took me what felt like an eternity to stop being so angry.  It took even longer to accept that the rest of the world doesn’t necessarily operate by the same moral compass that I do.  I don’t know that I’ll ever fully dismiss my disappointment in myself for so grossly misjudging his character, and, God help me, for constantly giving her the benefit of doubt despite a number of very clear displays of disrespect.

But, more than what the two of them did to my heart, and more than the loss of those two friendships, the collateral damage is what left me stunned.  To look around and see an entire social circle in a completely different light, and to realize that a group of people that I had spent a good majority of my year with were simply not at all in line with who I am or who I want to be. . . that was rough.  Because while it’s true, I love them just the same, and it’s just not easy to accept that someone you care about is not good for you. 

At the same time, and this is where October became one of the most amazing months of the year for me, when you’re forced to stop and examine your relationships, for every bit of bad information you encounter in that process, you find a thousand bits of good that you never noticed or appreciated. . . and when you finally do see those things, and particularly, when you’re able to celebrate and express gratitude for those things, it’s the most amazing thing.

I have reconnected with some of my favorite people in the world who fell off my radar for no reason whatsoever.  I have strengthened friendships that have been present for years.  I have developed new friendships with some unlikely people who have proven to be so much more amazing than I would have ever known.  

Above all, I have learned who will still be standing there with me when I’m at my absolute worst . . . and while you’d like to think that’s true of all your friends, the reality is, it’s just not.   When you have the opportunity to learn which of your friends will kick you when you’re down, which of your friends will whistle and avoid eye contact until you’re back to normal, and which of your friends will jump in the pit with you and help you climb out. . . as much as it sucks to go through whatever is giving you that opportunity, the resulting knowledge is truly priceless. 

There has been a clear shift in my life since that one moment in time, when a friend asked me to go for a run, spent the 30 minute run talking about my relationship with him, and then, after the run, told me she was sleeping with him.   She was so casual about it, so completely unconcerned about anything but making sure I was clear he was her territory now.  It was so surreal, yet so expected, and as I walked away from her wondering what rule book she was playing by and how it seemed even remotely reasonable to her, I realized that I was operating under a whole different set of values and that made me more sad for her than for me.  

I realized that an entire group of people that I somehow connected with, became friends with, and really enjoyed spending time with were functioning under the same value structure and that the same kind of drama would likely continue indefinitely within that circle.

I realized that I have a whole slew of friends who hold themselves to the same value structure that I do, and that I’d be far better served focusing my energy on those relationships.

I also realized that HE is the biggest coward I have ever known.