Passive Aggression

It’s what blogs are for!  It’s apparently also what online review forums are for.  Or, basically, any online outlet wherein one might post their most candid thoughts for the world to see instead of communicating those thoughts directly to the person/people in question.

Something I’ve gotten MUCH better about is discussing bullshit with people instead of hashing out my issues with them via my blog.  I think we call that maturity.  Or something.

Having been wildly guilty of passive aggressively attacking people via my blog in the past, I find quite a bit of humor in the hypocritical nature of my hatred for people who use the internet to fight their battles without actually fighting their battles.  See. . . the internet, believe it or not, does not solve problems.  Unless your problem is how to get somewhere.  Or what the definition of a word is.  Or who invented cheesey puffs.  But, for the most part, the internet does NOT solve problems. 

Ok, so maybe it does.  But, it doesn’t solve interpersonal problems.  Or the fact that you can’t get a date because you’re just generally a douche bag.  I’m just sayin’.

So, the most reasonable course of action is for you to attack someone online.  Causing me to attack you online.  Which is basically, all around, the most pathetic, worthless thing either of us could possibly do.

My major saving grace in this, however, is that I did address you in person about the issue.  But, you’re the special breed of douche bag who failed to effectively comprehend what I was trying to communicate.  Which makes this blog posting exempt from the general rule against passive aggressive attacks. 

Ta da!

Semi-Retiring

As you may or may not have noticed, I haven’t had quite the same time to blog since I acquired these two small children.  Much to everyone’s surprise, these kids take A LOT of my time!  The plan I mapped out, where I would continue my regularly scheduled life and just take 2 kids along with me to all of the things I did before. . . uuuuuh, it’s not working out quite the way I thought it would.  Did you know they won’t let kids into bars?  What the Hell?

As I have mentioned, probably repeatedly, I’ve managed to take responsibility for a whole slew of things that keep me overwhelmingly busy every waking moment of every day, which is approximately 4 hours more/day than I was awake pre-kid.  So, I’m sincerely at capacity.  I don’t think I can cut back on sleep anymore than I already have . . . 5.5 hours/night is barely working.

With that in mind, I’m actually actively deciding not to blog for your entertainment anymore.  I’ll keep up with this as I have time, but I’ll be doing it more for my own reference than anything else.  That way, I no longer feel the burden of obligation to post regularly (like right now!  It’s been like 2 weeks and I’ve been losing sleep over it!).  If you want to follow my incredibly irregular posting schedule, subscribe so you can be notified when I update.  Otherwise, you’re probably going to get REALLY bored when you keep checking back in to find nothing new and then you’ll storm off in a huff and refuse to come back, which is fine, but I don’t want you to go away mad, Internet.

I’m about to ship these kids off to their Mamaw’s for 6 weeks, and I might blog the Hell out of those 6 weeks. . . or I might LIVE instead of sitting behind a computer talking about all of the living I’m doing.  Either way, know that I do still love you, and I am still having the time of my life, I just value the actual having the time of my life more than the telling you how I’m having the time of my life.  No offense. 

 

Mother’s Day

I hope when Reece grows up, he turns out to be half as fantastic as all of the men I’ve heard from today.  I know I have amazing friends, and you know that, too, because I tell you so a lot. 

But, I didn’t expect to hear from ALL of them today . . . because I’m not their mom, and most of them don’t see me in a mom capacity very often at all, so I wasn’t expecting them to automatically think of me on Mother’s Day.

Which is why it’s been such a sweet day.  I’ve received more cards!, phone calls, emails, and texts than I get ON MY BIRTHDAY.  And, it’s the simplest thing, really, but it means so much. 

I don’t suspect parenthood is ever easy.  I can tell you with absolute certainty that single motherhood is not easy, especially 1200 miles away from family.  Unless you’re a parent, you have no way of knowing how often I stop and question my ability to do this for the rest of my life. . . or sometimes, even just for the rest of the day. 

To have so much support and love from so many awesome people makes it a whole Hell of a lot easier.  And, when so much of it is coming from my non-parent friends, who don’t know how much it means to get a phone call just to say, “Happy Mother’s Day”, but are thoughtful enough to take the time anyway, I just feel so lucky.  I honestly could never ask for better friends.

The day’s not even close to over, and I’ve been in tears more times than I can count.  I love you guys.   

P90X Phase III

This week, I started Phase III of P90X after spending one too many weeks on week 8 (recovery).  He he?

I was starting to get discouraged because the scale isn’t budging AT ALL.  Which is why week 8 took 2 weeks, no motivation.

Then I took my 8 week photos and compared them to my Day 1 photos and HOLY CRAP. 

I’m almost tempted to share them with you so you’ll know what I mean, but I’m not posting nearly nude photos of Fat Me on the internet. 

There’s significant change, especially in my upper body.  And, much to my great relief, my lower abdomen region does appear to be shrinking.  Yay!!!

I flipped through my progress charts, too, and was pretty impressed with myself.  On Day 1, I did 64 push ups on my knees.  On Day 60 (Monday!), I did 120 push ups on my toes. 

That’s pretty hard core, y’all.

I have 4 more weeks and TONS of motivation to finish strong, so maybe at Day 90, I’ll have gotten used to the idea of sharing Fat Me with the internet and will post photos just so I can have an excuse to show off Skinny Me. . .

You’re gonna miss this.

If you haven’t heard the song, you should and take it entirely to heart. 

You’re Gonna Miss This - Trace Adkins

I couldn’t even begin to count the number of times this song has played in my head . . . during precious time with friends, during adorable kid moments, during miserable kid moments, during sunshiney days, during times of chaos and times of calm.  I’ll be caught up in the moment and the chorus will pop into my head and remind me to take it all in and love every minute. . . even if it seems like something I won’t want to remember.

It’s caused me to absorb so many more memories than I otherwise would.  It’s caused me to appreciate my babies in the here and now so much more than I otherwise would.  It’s made me stop and love my life for what it is right now.  And, that is so powerful.

Tonight, this song was the first thing that came on when I picked the kids up from daycare.  Reece was crying because he wanted McDonald’s instead of Roux and Shae was arguing with me about windows down vs. air conditioning on, and I was about to turn the car around and head home, cancelling our plans.  Then this song came on. . . and I smiled at the tears and the pouting.  And, we rolled down the windows, turned up the radio and sang at the top of our lungs as we headed downtown.

We had dinner at Roux, and we danced at our table as we ate because you just don’t get to be entertained by a live jazz band very often and we may as well enjoy it. 

When we got done eating, Reece came around the table, grabbed my hand, and asked me to dance.  I walked to the dancefloor with him, scooped him up in my arms, and danced in the crowded restaurant with my sweet little boy. . . and tried not to let the tears well up in my eyes too much as the most heart wrenching verse of the song ran through my head. . .

“. . . dog’s barkin’, phone’s ringin’, one kid’s cryin’, one kid’s screamin’ and she keeps apologizin’, he says they don’t bother me, I’ve got two babies of my own, one’s 36, one’s 23. . . it’s hard to believe, but you’re gonna miss this, you’re gonna want this back, you’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast, these are some good times, so take a good look around, you may not know it now, but you’re gonna miss this. . .”

There are so many days when I feel like I’m going to crumble under the weight of this responsibility and I briefly wonder how I thought I could do this, and why I gave up everything I had worked so hard for. . . and there are other days when I wonder what I ever would have done without these kids.  On the bad days, this song changes everything and makes me remember how amazing it is to have the opportunity to raise these beautiful children who are already growing way too fast.  It makes me hug them when they’re screaming.  It makes me smile when they whine.  It makes me laugh when they drop an entire load of folded laundry on the floor. 

It makes me live in the now and appreciate the good and the bad for what it is . . . because it’s true.  Someday, I’m gonna miss this.  For now, I’m gonna try to love every minute of it so that when I do miss it, I’ll be able to fondly recall how much I embraced it at the time instead of wishing I had appreciated it more.

I hope you’ll all do the same. 

Love these guys!

Friday was a crappy day.  Like. . . CRAP.PY.  It was the kind of day that made me want to stay home, drink a bottle of wine, cry, and sink into a nice, deep depression.

I had big plans Friday night, and Friday day was so bad, I almost cancelled my Friday night plans.  But, then I recognized that if I did cancel my Friday night plans, I’d just feel worse over the guilt of letting friends down.  So, I sucked it up, forced myself into a tolerable mood, smashed my body into the ridiculous outfit I had spent entirely too much time searching for, and headed out to meet a friend at the corner of 6th & Congress.

5 minutes into our random walk to find somewhere to have dinner, I was already glad I’d ventured out. 

3 hours into the night, I was laughing and dancing and really loving the company I was in.

7 hours in, I was tearing up the dance floor of a bar that had been closed for 2 hours and loving the fact that the three of us were still having such a ridiculously fun time even though there were only three of us left.

9 hours in, I was sitting in a hot tub, having very serious discussions about happiness and life changes and love, and recognizing that I’m easily one of the luckiest people alive.

By morning, as I pulled my disgusting, hot tub assaulted hair into a messy bun, exchanged a flurry of texts, and headed to breakfast with the boys, I was in an entirely different frame of mind.  Life is fantastic.  And, I am so blessed.

I have so many amazing friends.  Just when I feel like my circle of friends could not be any more phenomenal, I meet someone new who fits in so perfectly and makes me feel at home in this city. 

Friday night, I was entertained by two such people.  I’ve known these guys for a few months, but feel like I’ve known them for years.  As I sat in the hot tub, wondering how anyone convinced me to get into a boiling germ festival, I realized that I have it good.  To have the kind of friends that will drive your sorry drunk ass home at 4am, sit and talk for another couple of hours, put you to bed, let you sleep in, and then take you to breakfast totally pretending that you don’t look like complete ass. . . well, I think that’s what life is all about.  When those friends are straight men, it pretty much calls into question everything I’ve ever believed about the world.  I am a lucky girl.

I love my friends.  And, for being the best friends in the world when I needed it most, I love these guys.

Other Friday photos are only slightly more flattering. . .

Love this city.  Love my friends.  LOVE THESE GUYS!

I like to run myself into the ground. Thanks!

This week and last week and the week before that, I’ve basically been going non-stop.  I occasionally slow down to sleep or eat, but for the most part, it’s GO! GO! GO! because I’m an overachieving dork who can’t say no and refuses to pass on a challenge.  Woo me!

Because I’m certifiably insane, I recently picked up a part-time job.  Not because I need the income. . . but because I can’t not help people I like who need help.  That officially put me at capacity.  In general.  With life.  I officially have no time left for anything else at all ever.

It’s become comical, really, because back in the day, my schedule was soooo flexible and I could stop what I was doing to meet a friend for drinks or hit the lake.  And, I did.  Regularly.

I now have to plan leisure time.  Well in advance.  It’s so lame.

BUT!  I can assure you that this planned leisure time rarely, if ever, disappoints.  When you know you get one night every two weeks to cram in as much fun as possible, you get really good at making every minute count. . . which means I’m having as much fun as I did before, but I’m doing it in a lot less time, so really, I’m having WAY MORE FUN than before.

Tonight is one such night. 

The thing that sucks most about this, however, is that tomorrow, I have to work BOTH of my jobs.  Which brings me back to having so much to do that I can’t see straight. . . which reminds me why I so desperately need my planned leisure time tonight. . .

A lot of people think I’m nuts for staying involved and driving myself to near exhaustion to maintain relationships and commitments I’ve made.  And, I’ll agree that there are days when it seems nearly impossible to keep up.  But the thought that keeps me going is that when I die, if they ask me if I made the most of the life that I had, I think I will be able to sincerely say that I grabbed ahold of every second I had and made it count.  And, being able to look back and know that I truly lived my life to the fullest is probably worth the chaos I live in.  .  .  right?