Skunk Wars

I was trying my best to be a good friend and not use the humiliation of a friend to entertain myself and/or my blog readers.  But, seriously.  You can’t let something like this go untouched.  Seriously. 

For reference:
Skunk A

Skunk B

What are the odds that Skunk A and Skunk B are going to cross paths? 

Limited, one would think.  But, Skunk A has a knack for getting himself in over his head, from what I can tell.

The story goes. . .

My fascinating, amazing business partner and myself were enjoying an evening out.  She was having many drinks, I was not.  Being as we haven’t been stalked by Skunk A in some time, we figured it appropriate to invite him out.  He promptly declined the invite, citing several lame excuses before he finally confessed he’d encountered Skunk B and would simply not be able to make it out.

Apparently Skunk A, during a jog, saw Skunk B, and thought it was a cat.  A striped cat. 

Really, Skunk? 

ANYWAY, this story has few acceptable endings.  And, naturally, it ends with Skunk A being sprayed by Skunk B.

I’m pretty sure it’s the funniest story I’ve heard in a long, long time, and I made sure to take plenty of time to share it with friends, laugh, tell strangers, laugh, and generally laugh more.

What’s funnier is that someone told Skunk A that the way to remove the smell is to drown himself in ketchup.  SO HE DID. 

There’s really not any point to my sharing this story except to laugh some more.  And, it’s all sort of backwards fitting because from the very first day Skunk A started stalking me on myspace, he always did seem to fit his chosen screen name quite well.

WARNING: TMI

Yesterday, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to blog about this because it’s really way more information than you need to have about me.  Really, really.  Then, I decided I don’t really care if you don’t.  So, with that in mind, read at your own risk.

I had my annual with my gynecologist yesterday (again, this is a good indication of where this post is heading and if you’re going to be offended, stop reading now).  I really like my gynecologist because she pretty much agrees with everything I say.  Like when she put me on birth control, and I went back 3 months later because the pill she put me on made me a psychotic, murderous bitch with very violent tendencies, and I told her that the pill she put me on sucks balls, she totally agreed. 

Now, I’m not sure why she put me on it to begin with if she knew it was going to make me so miserable, but the fact of the matter is, when I went to complain, she was right there with me, bitching up a storm about how stupid that pill is and how it shouldn’t be prescribed to anyone anywhere unless the goal is mass murder.   And, I like it when seemingly intelligent people agree with me about things so dramatic and ridiculous.  It makes my argument appear way more reasonable.

Anyway.  So, I went for my annual yesterday and, like she always does, she asked if I had any questions or concerns that we should discuss before she starts the exam.  Because, as we all know, the best time to have any sort of discussion about questions or concerns is when you’re completely naked on a table in the presence of a virtual stranger.

I decided to stop pretending like I don’t ever want kids, and I admitted that I’m getting a little worried about how old I am and how I’m not pregnant or anywhere close to pregnant.  She assured me that I have a good 5 years left before I need to worry.  FIVE YEARS?!?!  I think she thought that would console me, but what it really did is freak me the fuck out.  Five years is NOT ENOUGH TIME!!!  What I wanted her to say is that I’ve got like FIFTEEN years and I can just relax and take my time.  What the HELL am I going to do in five years?!  For me, having a baby would entail falling in love and getting married first.  And, to all of you hopeless romantic types out there, five years probably sounds like an entirely reasonable amount of time to do that in.  To me, that’s like telling me I have until next Tuesday to get it all worked out.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

She knew I was freaking out because. . . well, I was freaking out.  I was with my ex-husband eight years before we got married.  EIGHT YEARS.  And, that didn’t work out!  So, please, tell me how I’m going to get this shit figured out in five when eight years wasn’t enough to get it right?!  PHBLARATHHHFFFFFFFFT!!!

She pretty much was done answering my questions at that point and just wanted to get me the Hell out of there. 

Again, I warn you, there is way too much information about to be shared.  Stop reading if you don’t want too much information.

Apparently, from that point, the only avenue she thought she had for attempting to get back into my good graces was to compliment my girl parts.  A lot.  Excessively, even.

It will surely make you very happy to know that my labia look fantastic.  I have perfectly shaped ovaries!  And, my uterus is very healthy.

That’s probably because I haven’t had any sex that I can remember in well over a year.  That makes for all sorts of healthy stuff going on down there. . . EXCEPT BABIES!!!

More weekend stuff.

There have been a billion things I’ve wanted to blog about but I just get busy and forget and then when I sit down to try to remember what I thought about blogging about, I can’t remember to save my life.  UGH!

So, I spent Sunday with the happiest girl I have ever met.  We were scheduled to meet her friend at 2pm.  We headed on over to the house, neither of us knowing where we were going.  When we got there, no one was home.  But, we had Taco Bell that we needed to eat, so we camped our happy asses on the front porch of this house and had our lunch.

This would have been a way funnier story if it had turned out the way we kept fearing it would.  The more time passed, the more certain we became that we were at the wrong house.  Having lunch.  On the patio.

We went ahead and took a photo just in case we were at the wrong house.  Photographic evidence is always much more fun when telling stories like that.

 

Halfway through lunch, her friend showed up.  It was the right house.  Not nearly as funny as if it had been the wrong house.  BUT!!!  When we ventured inside and saw the artwork, it cancelled out the disappointment of the non-funny story. 

I NEED THIS IN MY HOME:

In case you want to buy it for me, it’s called “Vice Monkeys”.  Just in case.

After the wine festival, went out Sunday night.  I didn’t drink because I’m a good girl.  Or, maybe because I drank the night before.  The world may never know.  All that matters is that I was good.

We did a pretty extensive walking tour, and I was pretty happy I went with sensible shoes because at the end of the night, both ladies were complaining about their feet, and we wound up on a pedicab.  It was at this time that I realized we’d failed to take photos ALL DAY and pulled out the camera (thanks, fascinating, amazing business partner!  I know I need to return it!  I will!).  

Our pedicab driver decided we suck and took one for us:

I guess I’ll agree that it’s a bit more inclusive of everyone. . . but it’s far less interesting than the crooked, drunk shots. 

We ended the evening at Katz’s.  At 2:30am, hoards of old people filtered in, and I very rudely asked the girls what the Hell all of these old people would possibly be doing out at 2am.  Turns out it it was our friendly legislature!  We were having 2am breakfast with the Texas Legislature.  We are so freakin’ cool.

I wish I’d have known then that half of them had staged a big walk-out because that’s pretty awesome and I would’ve asked about it, I’m pretty sure.

See, because I’m all about some rebellion and I’m even more all about it when the rebellion is being staged by GROWN ASS ADULTS who run our state!  Because, really, when you think about it, so much of the rebellion in the world is limited to our teenage years, and I just think it’s a shame that more people don’t walk around questioning authority with more force as we get older.  I don’t even care what it was about (except you should know that I do know it was because folks are getting a little pissed off about the way Craddick seems to be manipulating the system), I just like that a lot of grown ups got up and walked out of a very serious event just to prove a point.  We should all do more of that.

Anyway, so even though I didn’t know it happened at the time, it’s still pretty cool that we were there and they were there and then I saw them all on TV the next day.

*shrugs*

It takes so little to amuse me.

3 day weekend!

I started this weekend with no plans.  I figured I’d just take it easy.  Then, Saturday came and I was feeling pretty ornery.  So, I went out to cause some trouble.  It was rainy, so it was a little hard to cause a lot of trouble.  If it tells you anything, though, I was drinking double tall Jack & Cokes.  So, I did the best I could.  And, since I had a very gracious driver, I didn’t have to worry about being able to see straight.  Yeehaw!

I’m pretty sure I sent a slew of extremely inappropriate texts.  But, they went unanswered, so maybe the universe somehow prevented them from reaching their intended recipient(s).  Probably not.

Sunday wound up exceptionally phenomenal.

We headed downtown to the Wine Festival.  I certainly don’t mind wine.  But, I don’t know anything about it either, so walking around tasting wines is an exercise in drinking to me, and absolutely not an educational experience.  I guess I could have made it educational, but I kinda was more interested in drinking and listening to the music than trying to learn stuff.

The best part of Sunday was learning about The Doug Moreland Show.  I hadn’t heard of them before, but one of the girls wanted to see them.  Turns out, I know the drummer’s wife.  That’s as close to being a rockstar as I’m gonna get, so I’ll take it.

Anyway, the show was fantastic.  Easily one of the more entertaining live music demonstrations I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying.  The music is good, and fun.  And, the guys thoroughly enjoy themselves, which, to me, makes it way more fun to watch.

I was such a dork (please remember, we were drinking wine) and got tears in my eyes during Heaven or Austin . . . 

I’m between heaven and Austin
Left with a choice between
The love of my life and the life that I love
And since you’re making me choose
Tell you what I’m gonna do
Looks like it’s Austin over you

Hell yeah, it is. 

Potatoes

I really like mashed potatoes.  Sometimes when we go to Austin Java, I just order a side of mashers and my fascinating, amazing business partner looks at me like I’m crazy, and then I get the mashers, and they’re bacon & cheddar mashers and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my life, and I’m pretty sure she’s really sorry all she got was a salad.

Monkey Friday (thanks Wimpy!)

Wimpy has been entertaining me with an endless supply of monkey photos, effectively making him skyrocket to the top of my “Favorite People” list. 

*kisses to Wimpy*

Fire ants

One thing that is not cool about Texas is fire ants.

I’m currently enjoying approximately 8 fire ant bites on my feet. 

And, just so you know, it’s not pleasant.

Internet Power

Hello, Internet. 

I love you so much.  You come here and read my silly stories and make me feel all important by boosting my ego via blog stats.  You never send me nasty messages or leave mean comments.  You are the best Internet ever, really.

So, today has been full of fuzzy, warm, sunshiney goodness.  I went to bed last night believing that everything was going to be FINE and everything is fantastic today.  Well, not everything.  There’s still one pesky part that refuses to fall into place, and I think it’s mostly because the subjects involved are too proud to be the first to say anything, and it’s kind of retarded and one of us should just go for it already and quit being stupid.  But, anyway.

On the job front, things just blew up today.  Like, in a good, fireworks kind of blowing up way. 

I’ve latched onto some phenomenal leads, and I’m just wishing with all my might that it works out because I couldn’t ask for a more perfect opportunity with a more perfect organization.

So, if you’ll all wish with all your might, too, then maybe all of the wishing will translate into the perfect job. 

I promise, I’d do it for you. 

Five

That’s how many times my car has come into contact with another car.

1.  2 weeks after I bought it when Lucky sideswiped it with his brand new car.

2.  February ‘06 when the guy blew the red blinking light and smashed into my rear passenger side tire.

3.  April ‘06 when I got rear-ended by the guy who forgot how to speak English about 30 seconds after the accident.

4.  Friday when a friend thought he was being cute and parking super really close to my car, and actually hit it, tearing the paint on the bumper and causing it to bubble all over the place, allowing rain and spiders and other small creatures to crawl inside and fester.

5.  Today when I, for the first time in my life, caused a car accident.  Traffic came to a stop on the highway, and the people in front of me slammed on their brakes.  I failed to react quickly enough, but realized I wasn’t going to stop in time, so attempted to swerve around them.  Sadly, I was about a half a second too late and I clipped their bumper.

There was SO little damage to their car.   The kind of so little damage that I would’ve just let it go if I were them.  They were driving a Honda CRV, so my short Eclipse truly hit nothing but the corner of their bumper.  There was a bit of a smudge on their bumper, and the right side popped just slightly out of place (I’m pretty sure I could have pushed it back into place myself, but whatever).

It could have been a relatively uneventful event.  But, the guy’s wife was a raging bitch.  She insisted that I was on the phone – and generally, I AM on the phone when I drive, but I was NOT when the accident occured.  In fact, I had not been on the phone for any of that particular trip in my car.  So, I was exceedingly irritated that she continued to insist that I was on the phone and wouldn’t have hit them if I’d have been paying attention.  Furthermore, they were IN FRONT OF ME.  If I WERE on the phone, how the Hell would she know?  ARGH!

She then freaked out when I didn’t have a current insurance card (which, actually, I DID have in the car, but couldn’t find because I was flustered).  I gave her my most recently expired card and told her it was the same policy, same company, etc.  She refused to believe that I have insurance and kept yelling to her husband that I was trying to trick them and I didn’t have insurance! 

Her poor husband.  I’m pretty sure if she hadn’t been with him, he’d have just let it go.  We went to look at the damage to their vehicle and I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Oh, it’s not that bad.  Good”.  She, of course, informed me, in a very raised voice, that there was, indeed damage and I was going to pay for it. 

I, surprisingly, didn’t argue with her at all.  I tolerated her very unpleasant demeanor, and just directed all of my questions and comments to her clearly more calm husband.  She didn’t appreciate that at all, but that’s what she gets for being a raging bitch.

I asked her husband to call me when they get an estimate before they file a claim because I’d likely just pay for the repairs myself instead of running it through insurance because my deductible is high and even if they replace the whole mother loving bumper, I’ll be paying it out of pocket anyway.  He agreed, but his wife flipped out, insisting that I was again trying to trick them, that I don’t have insurance and it’s a trick!

Hopefully, he’ll give me a call before he files it.  Because seriously. 

I’m going to bed tonight believing that she calmed down and they realized that it was minor and will do me the favor of letting me just cover the damages.  If you will all also go ahead and believe that, then surely all of the energy into the universe will cause it to be so.

While you’re at it, could you also believe that the interview I have scheduled for Tuesday will be awesome and I’ll love the company and the people and they’ll make me an offer and I’ll start in a week?  That would be super.

A-Z meme

From Some Go Softly: 

 A-Attached or Single?
Single. . . and getting a little sick of it.

B-Best Friend:
Hard to define. . . I have a lot of exceptional friends, many of them are my “best” friend at different times, or for different reasons.

C-Cake or Pie:
Pie.  APPLE PIE!

D-Drink of Choice:
Dr. Pepper

E-Essential Item:
Happiness

F- Favorite color:
Today, blue.

G-Gummi Bears or Worms?
Neither.  Gummi anything is just gross.

H-Hometown:
Monticello, Indiana

I-Indulgence:
Queso

J-January or February:
January!

K-Kids:
Easier when acquired at age 3.

L-Life is incomplete without:
Love.

M-Marriage Date:
May 19.  *blink, blink*

N-Number of Siblings:
Three

O-Oranges or Apples?
Apples

P-Phobias/Fears:
I have NO FEAR.

Q-Favorite Quote:
When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too. – The Alchemist

R-Reasons to smile:
Sunshine

S-Season:
Fall

T-Tag Three:
Eh, nobody pays attention when I tag them anyway. . .

U-Unknown Fact About Me:
I like black olives.

V-Vindictive or Forgiving?
Forgiving.

W-Worst Habit:
Sending emails before sleeping on it.

X-X-rays or Ultrasounds?
Ultrasounds?

Y-Your Favorite Foods:
Queso, Sour Patch Kids, grapes.  Not at the same time.

Z-Zodiac:
Aquarius – in every sense of the sign:
Friendly & humanitarian
Honest & loyal
Original & inventive
Independent & intellectual
Unpredictable
Unemotional & detached

 

Tricky summer

I was going to spend this summer doing all sorts of fantastic, awesome, fun, carefree things!  It was going to be THE summer to end all summers!  It was going to be memorable and sensational and full of blog stories!

And, then I realized that I also have to spend this summer finding  real job and planning a big party and trying to figure out how this is all going to work out.

So, I’ve been diligently working on the serious stuff and the fun stuff is kinda forgetting to happen.  NO FAIR!

I did have drinks with my fascinating, amazing business partner and some random chicks I don’t know last week.  We were mostly completely horrible about the pathetic guy sitting in the corner, seemingly waiting for someone who didn’t show for the 2 hours we sat there.   We laughed a lot, but I don’t remember entirely what about.

There was the chip issue.  You know.  When you have chips and queso and they bring you a fresh basket of chips but only about 3 of the chips are actually of a reasonable size worth even attempting to dip into queso and then the entire rest of the basket is full of chip crumbs?  Yeah.  We must have asked for new chips 20 times.  The waiter actually hit me for asking for more chips.  Hit me.  But, then he brought out a remarkable basket of chips and one of those chips was so magnificently huge that I decided to keep it safely tucked in my purse.  He didn’t seem the least be surprised that I put the chip in my purse. 

I learned during this drink session that there are monkeys in Thailand.  This changes EVERYTHING!!!

Somehow, my fascinating, amazing business partner and I came up with the brilliant idea to decorate our sombreros for the then upcoming golf event.  And, as any good sport would, we spent 30 minutes in Michael’s, searching for THE perfect embellishments for our sombreros.  We went ahead and indulged for our President, too.  Because we worship him. 

You’ll note from the photo below, we did quite a smashing job.  Everyone else wishes their sombreros were so cool.

Oh yeah, also, the golf event was a killer time.  Only one broken car window, only one injured old woman.  All in all, a huge success!  I’m pretty sure it was the sombreros.

Should you have good cause to throw a ridiculous pitch ‘n putt golf tournament that gathers all of your favorite people in one spot for alcoholic beverages, sunshine, and a sport that most of you are completely incompetent at, you should totally do it.  We had a blast!

ps – maybe you can’t tell, but my outfit was CUTE!  I was so golfy.

Saturday with Linds

Since my sister hates me and booked a 6:55 am flight out Sunday morning, Saturday was pretty much it for her trip here.

We started with breakfast at Austin Java.  I was about to punch her in the mouth when she complained about her latte and refused to finish it.  Clearly, Austin just isn’t for her.  She doesn’t like the wildflowers, she complains about Austin Java coffee. . . 

We were so irritated by the lack of good shopping Friday that we decided to go back at it Saturday.  Not a very good plan.  We visited the Arboretum & The Domain and STILL, NOTHING.  GRR!

I made her go see the moo cows.  Not very exciting, really.

We somehow made it out to Mozart’s with plenty of sunshine to spare.  I actually complained about the coffee there, too.  They were busy so they decided they didn’t need to blend our beverages, which made them a lot grosser than they wouldn’t have been if they were blended.  Fuckers.

It was mostly a really nice day to sit outside and eat delicious cheesecake.  Except for that screaming kid whose parents apparently didn’t find his screaming the least bit RUDE to the rest of us, trying to enjoy a quiet day out on the deck. 

I know I’m not supposed to say things like that since I don’t have kids, but I know, from the limited amount of time I had a kid in my custody, that I would absolutely not make the general public suffer a fit like that.  I would have taken my screaming kid and left so everyone else could enjoy their day.  I probably would have apologized all the way out.  That’s just the polite thing to do.  ANYWAY.  We took a photo of us and left.  We could still hear the brat screaming as we walked to the car.

We had good intentions of getting back out on the town for a little bit, with fleeting hopes of seeing some fancy pants.  But, by the time we had dinner at Kerbey Lane and got home, we were both really lazy and didn’t feel like getting cute.  We briefly discussed renting a movie, but were too lazy to even go get a movie.

We napped, woke up and watched SNL, then went to bed.  *yawn*

She flew out stupid early the next morning, and that was it.  End of trip.  No baby sister moving to Austin.  Boooo!