The Wedding of the Year

I almost feel like a little piece of my life has been viciously ripped from my hands.  What on Earth am I going to do with my time without this wedding to to work on?  I’ve been in severe wedding mode for at least a solid month. . . I’m not sure if I’ll be able to come out of it gracefully.  *sigh*

Oh, also, you may have noticed I’m not dead!  I did not die during any of the pre-wedding festivities, I didn’t not die during the wedding, and miraculously, despite my very best drunken effort, I did not die at the reception (and I put forth one hell of a valiant effort what with the knocking down of women and smashing of wine glasses).

Shockingly, no one died as a result of this wedding.  It was a little touch and go for awhile there with the groom’s mother, but she chilled the fuck out when she took notice of the scissors in my purse.  I wasn’t kidding.  There was going to be no bullshit at my Bob’s wedding. 

So, what does the Wedding of the Year entail?  For me, it went mostly like this:

Friday
Happy hour at hotel, eating everyone’s leftover food (FREE FOOD, WOOHOO!)
Bar hopping with bride, father of the bride, friends
VIP access to gay bar (i.e. it was too early, no one else was out, we were the only people there)
Dancing with father of the bride (fear of broken ribs)
Crazy salsa dancing with guy who says he gets one hall pass/month but is out all of the time
Randomly running into groom & friends
Waiting for bride & father of bride to smoke cigars
Deciding bride, groom, all friends will proceed to party together
Carrying father of the bride back to hotel room
Leaving bride at hotel
Going back out to ensure groom stays out of trouble
Being extremely irritated to find that EVERYONE IS BAILING ON GROOM
Arguing with groom for 1 hour about how he is most certainly NOT driving home
Driving groom home
Driving me home
Sleep 4 hours

Saturday
Picking groom up, driving him to car downtown
Deliver gift basket
DUCK TOUR and history of air conditioning in Austin, TX
Breaking into bank with bride for cake topper
Shopping with bride (nail polish, Dr. Pepper, Red Bull, black socks, itch cream)
Mother of groom drama involving need for wedding program
Rehearsal
Mother of groom drama wherein mother of groom narrowly escaped death at my hands
Delicious rehearsal dinner (FREE FOOD, SCORE!)
More hotel happy hourness
Discussing possible hit on mother of groom
Dismissal of aforementioned plans to hire a hit on mother of groom
Piano bar!  Where piano guy knows no Bel Biv Devoe (SERIOUSLY?!  Seriously).
Walking in stupid heels, death of right foot
Random other bar with tatoos and death everywhere – not an environment for a group of young women dressed up for a wedding rehearsal
Death of left foot
More walking back to hotel, considering severing feet at ankles
Driving 432 miles home
Sleeping

Sunday
Running late (as usual)
Brunching with bride, mother of the bride, aunt of the bride, wedding party (MORE FREE FOOD!!!)
Slight freaking out about absence of wedding flowers
Speedily getting dressed for wedding
Speedily painting toenails of bride’s cousin
Decorating reception hall:
    Unloading 60 boxes of vases from car to bell cart
    Wheeling decor to reception ballroom
    Casually decorating one table. . . la la la, we have plenty of time
  Phone call from bride – where are flowers?
  Ask bridesmaid to run to church to check status of flowers
  No flowers
    Frantically cutting ribbon, unpacking boxes, realizing that time is flying
    Fielding of questions from DJ, audio/visual guy, hotel lady with accent, hotel guy, wait staff, etc.
    Frantically wrapping ribbon around vases 
    Being very happy (albeit somewhat guilt ridden) to have groom assist in reception decor
    Thanking groom for his help, telling groom to listen to the photographer and go do photos with guys
  Talking to bride – still no flowers
  Sprinting to church (in fancy dress) to find out WTF with the flowers
  Finding all flowers previously believed to not exist
  Calling bride to let her know we’re fine on flowers
  Sprinting back to hotel with flowers
  Stopping to ask skateboarder guy to take phone from my ear, close, and put it in flower box
  Continue sprinting to hotel with flowers
  Getting flowers distributed
    Realizing there are only 25 minutes left until wedding
    FREAKING OUT about how little time is left to finish decorating
    Somehow magically getting reception decorated (with a little help from a lot of people)
Getting to wedding
Making sure no drama has occured
Making sure no drama occurs 
Straightening bride’s dress as she prepares to walk down aisle
Watching wedding
Crying
Sending people to reception
Catching drama about to unfold
Stopping drama (without the use of scissors, even!)
Watching photo taking
Forcibly preventing myself from cutting mother of groom
Crying
Walking to reception
Confusion with DJ regarding announcing of bride & groom, wedding party, & parents
Locating of cake cutter & server
Eating dinner (STILL MORE FREE FOOD!!!  YEEEEEHAW!)
Making sure DJ knows the reception timeline and has it all under control
Doing vodka shot with groom (this is where things start to get blurry)
Wondering where Lucky went
Leaving Lucky VM
Dancing
Receiving Lucky’s VM where he informs me he’s gone home
Reluctantly doing another vodka shot with insistent groom
Dancing
Slamming glass of cheap wine
Losing comprehension of what happened first, last, in between
Apparently knocking women over and fighting for tossed bouquet (really, I think I just fell down and took people with me . . . unintentionally)
Not realizing that I’m then supposed to dance with garter catcher
Being shoved through the reception hall to dance floor for dance
Catching bride’s wine glass on the way, sending it smashing onto the dance floor
Dancing in bare feet anyway
Hoping the bride isn’t very mad about her wine
Refusing another vodka shot despite groom’s insistence (see?  I did good)
Dancing with crazy salsa guy who makes me dizzy and giggly all at the same time
Dancing with bride, almost crying
Dancing with every single person in the place
Wondering how I’m getting home
Forcing DJ to dance
Leaving reception
Going out downtown
Going back to hotel
Sleeping on sofa at bride’s parents’ room

Monday
Getting up entirely too freaking early
Putting on yesterday’s clothes
Dragging myself to reception ballroom
Packing up vases
Fielding phone calls until phone dies
Prepare yourself for the best part of the entire weekend: Receiving monkeys from bride (not real monkeys, you jackasses)
Loading vases into car
Brunching with bride, bride’s family  (EVEN MORE FREE FOOD!  !!!)
Driving home, very sleepily

The End.

*****CONGRATULATIONS, BOB & MR. BOB!!!*****

(for another perspective {as long as you promise not to get all small town on me about the gay guy}. . . http://www.akindofworld.blogspot.com) 

I suck at blogging.

I feel really bad for anyone who keeps coming here daily to see if I’ve posted anything new.  I’m sorry.  Life has been really busy lately what with all of the personal trainers and trips to Vegas and helping plan weddings and trying to also maintain a life.  Whew!  I get sleepy just thinking about it all!

It seems as though one princess is simply too consumed with wedding stuff to figure out how to download and send Vegas photos, so you’re just going to have to hold your horses, internet, until she gets married, loses the stress hives, and gets back to her normal, not freaked out self.  Sorry.  I’d give you her email address so you could bitch at her about it, but I’m afraid she’d turn into one giant hive if she had any more stress to deal with.

So, the working out has been going.  Yes, that’s all, just going.  I haven’t lost a damn ounce, and the gym’s super space age scale tells me that I have actually gained body fat, so the personal training appears to be making me fatter than I was before.  That’s not exactly what I had envisioned when I started this process, but at this point I’m starting to feel like it just doesn’t matter.  Who really cares if my ass is this big?  Probably not very many people. 

The business is also going.  Yep, just going.  I’ve been doing soooo much other random bullshit that I dare say the business has suffered a bit.  My fascinating, amazing business partner and I spent some time last week hammering out a new marketing plan, and I have high hopes of getting that kicked off just as soon as this wedding is over.  Then, hopefully, I can report to you all that business is superb and that I’m a millionaire.  Won’t that be a fun day?  Indeed, it will.

So, somehow, most likely because Lucky is in love with Bob and her fiance (and, who can blame him really, he’s pretty cute), we convinced Lucky to venture out for a 10:30pm comedy show which really didn’t even start until 11pm.  It’s a miracle that we even got to go, first of all.  So, please take note of that. 

The host of Fear Factor is who we got to see.  And, I don’t know if you know, but he’s pretty hilarious.  Especially when he’s drunk.  He has very movey eyebrows and even if he just stood there and did eyebrow tricks, I think I’d have laughed my ass off.  I think he probably wouldn’t be as funny without the movey eyebrows.  Or the 6 shots of tequila. 

Also, I don’t remember what the Hell he said about monkeys, but I do remember that the word “monkey” or “monkeys” came out of his mouth and if you know me, you know that that alone boosts your approval rating like 200%.  Monkeys rule. 

We had a good time.  Bob helped herself to one bottle of wine.  I helped myself to a small village of mozarella sticks (WHY CAN’T I LOSE WEIGHT?!?!).  We laughed and laughed.

Then we left, and Bob’s fiance’s car was towed.  And, that wasn’t as funny.  I mean, it was kinda funny but only because my car was not towed.  But, mostly it was not funny. 

We are now one week from the wedding of the year.  I don’t want to get into the habit of making promises to the internet, but I think I’ll be out of excuses when the wedding is over, and will be around here a little more.

I know you can’t wait.

Barely alive, but feeling waaaaay too obligated to post

Hey Internet!  How are you?  It’s been a long time since I’ve said hello and I’m feeling really guilty about it.  But, I know you understand because if your mother and Fred were visiting for a week and then you jetted off to Vegas for Bob’s bachelorette party, you’d be behind for awhile, too.

Which reminds me, I totally just jetted off to Vegas for Bob’s bachelorette party. . . and talk about a RIOT.  HOLY SHIT.

1.  Bob is insane.  Verifiably.  She can drink more, dance more, and sleep less than anyone I know who is not a robot.  BTW, there is a robot named Mike who works at the MGM, in case you wondered.

2.  When you stick 4 girls in a hotel room in Vegas for a weekend, someone is bound to get kicked out of a club for being too drunk to stand.  Mission accomplished.

3.  If you sleep for 4 hours, and then enjoy free cocktails with your $3.99 lunch, and then drink for the remainder of the day, you will find yourself with enough energy to stay awake until sunrise.  Did you see that?  SunRISE, not sunset, people.  Sunrise.

4.  There is nothing else about this trip that I am allowed to speak of.  Limited photos may mysteriously appear later. 

Otherwise. . . I’ve got nothing.  I’m pretty sure things have happened and life has proceeded to go on, but I’m still in a daze so I couldn’t really say.

Next up:  Bob’s Wedding.  Stay tuned.

I have a virus and I’m going to Vegas

I’m almost completely sure that I hate my computer today.  I’ve spent THE ENTIRE EVENING attempting to self-medicate my computer and make this damn spyware/virus/whatever go away, to no avail.  NOT CUTE.  I think I might have to actually have a professional fix the problem because 4 hours of my life wasted is not even remotely tolerable.

But, in the grand scheme of things, who really cares?  I’m going to Vegas Friday and if history tells us anything, that means that nothing else matters!  Woohoo!  Vegas!!!

Making fun of Tom Cruise is fun.

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/

For reasons unknown to me, I find the Tom Cruise posts here especially heeeee-larious.  Mostly, I’m pretty sick of Tom Cruise (and I didn’t get sick of him until well after the rest of the free world got sick of him).  So, when someone makes such great fun of him, I love it.  Enjoy!